Dear Blog,

I'm feeling so depressed right now. I'm all alone at home, and i started walking down memory lane again today. I guess being alone sure makes you think of stuffs, sometimes you try to make yourself not think of them, but you end up reaching for a Kleenex and blowing your nose out. I haven't been like this for a long time. It happened once or twice after Grandma passed away. And then Grandpa passed away, i did it a few times.

Crying my eyes out. of course, when no one is watching. I do not want them to misunderstand anything or even worry about me. I guess i've given my family quite a lot of worries already, what with my health problems and such. I don't want them to worry about my sadness due to missing of my grandparents. I know i need to walk out of this, but i cannot. The scenes of my grandparents in that bed, on that sofa, talking to me, random chats, eating snacks with me, every corner of the house, every single second, the bonds with them transpired from that moment I stared at that empty bed.

I suddenly thought of Grandpa, before i flew off to taiwan for grad trip. That earnest look in his eyes as he wiped away his tears and told me he'd miss me when i'm away in Taiwan. I wonder if my departure for grad trip was an acceleration to the rocketing down of his condition. Maybe i was the trigger to him deteriorating, i don't know, and i'll never know because he is gone.

Which is why i am so torn now. I never told anyone, but i felt like it is my fault that he passed away. Maybe i'd blown that thought out of proportion, i don't know, and maybe i'm exaggerating my own impression on Grandpa, but i know he loved me alot.


I guess I shouldn't stay at home too much. All these.. is giving me a very bad migraine. I hope that muscle relaxants are not going to be the ones i reach out for after these Kleenex.


I'll come back stronger.