Hello there, residents of the net. You guys probably dont follow blogs anymore. since twitter, tumblr, facebook are the in thing. Which is a good thing actually. Lesser people to know what i feel. And people around me probably won't even know that i've decided to blog again.

I'm in university now. year 1 just finished, and i cant say my grades are bad. I think im doing fair enough, although, as compared to my classmates, i am obviously no better than the bud of a potato. WHAT WAS THAT?! A BUD OF A POTATO ?! OMG my command of the english language has deteriorated ever since i enter university, with me taking up chinese medicine - i know many will think me silly for taking something which i have no strength in. I know right. Chinese sucks shit. I still loathe it. Though i think it really was my own mistake.

When i first applied for it, i didnt really know it's gonna be taught in chinese, i thought the chinese part will come in only in the last two years when im in beijing. Guess i was as wrong as pink stripes on a donkey. Chinese started in sem 2 and i think i can die. Like die with a bowlful of chinese characters stuffed right into me i practically explode with chinese-ity. Sucks right? I did think of changing, but if you've been following my blog since a long time ago, then you'll know that i am someone, with no ambitions. It really is sad, i wish i have something i can work hard for, and feel happy for when i've accomplished my ambition. I dont know how it feels, to have an ambition. I have always given it serious thought, in fact, too serious that i get mad thinking about it.

I really dont know what i want.

I guess im the sort that lives day to day. I cant see too far ahead, i wonder why i cant. And thats why i took up the chinese medicine thing and continue with it. With little courage. I wish i can be like the others, the normal girls who dont have to worry about their hair being too curly for their own good, the kind who knows how to put on make up and who dont go rubbing their eyes forgetting that they've put on make up, and the kind who knows what they are doing. although some may have bimbotic aims, but im still fazed at how i cant manage to squeeze out a single ambition in me. Loser-ish much.

Im hitting the big two this year. I dont feel great. I dont even feel my life passing by that fast. I can still remember my first day in secondary school, my first day in jc, my working days, and all of these seem to happen yesterday. Now i know why they use an eye blink's moment to describe the velocity of time passage.

Sighs, eileen. You have already gone through probably a fifth of your life. Dont you think it is time to stop being so clueless, and instead be plunged forward with a sense of direction?

I miss grandma. oops, where did that random thought slipped out from? I do. I wish she didnt pass away, and that she'll see me in university now. I would have no qualms about spending my holidays with her. I abstain from a certain candy, because im afraid that it will trigger upsetting memories. It's not like those memories are bad. They are so good, so full of sweetness and love and wrinkly smiling faces, aromatic tea and milo, and toothless grins.. i just....

I miss her so much.

Sometimes, i feel so alone travelling down memory lane. i dislike it when i get so absorbed and knee-length deep in thoughts that i get so melancholic and all, it sucks.

I'm a grown up already. I should quit behaving like a kid. afterall, it is not everyday that the sun triumphs the clouds. What is supposed to be night, will be night, and nothing can change that. there are some things that can be changed with sheer willpower and hard work, but there are some things that cant, no matter how determined you are. Hard work and willpower have to know their limits too.

I'm tired, i'll blog again, in the meantime, hello my dear blog!

Labels: the queer eileen