it seems like so long ago, i thought how i wanted it to end so badly, A levels. Now, when it's so close to nearing the end, suddenly i wish i'll get a chance to turn back, suddenly wish to start the stream of education since a primary school kid. Because from primary school till now, my studies have never been decided by myself, i still remember being the second last in class from primary 2 all the way till primary 4, i was such a stupid girl, i was bad in studies, and mom had to make me study. then i went to a secondary school, and starting studying hard. my results paid off when i got first in the entire school for 2 consecutive years, and then i did fairly well for O levels, got into a junior college which i didnt really wanna go to. I still remember telling rasina that i'll never ever go for a junior college, and we decided not to go for PAE. We took on several jobs, went around and did pretty much whatever we wanted to do, had fun and studying never intruded our minds. It was until when we received our results, and we did some thinking. Don't ask me why Nanyang, i have no idea. Why, many people would have asked me, seriously, that question seemed like a greeting rather than a question. people whom i've met found it compulsory to ask me, why nanyang, especially when you live so far in the east. No idea, aint got no clue. then studied hard in junior college, sometimes faring badly, sometimes doing just fine, you know, the ups and the downs. Joined a weird CCA which nobody would have thought Eileen would join. i must have given my friends a bad scare uh. but nopes, dont regret a single zilch of it. then got myself into a service learning group, i really loved that group, albeit, i'm really sorry for the past tense. it seemed, some emotions just dont last that long, whatever promises made back then would have been sweet and so full of hope, yet, the minute we're met with the cosy confines of family comfort and all, all those realistic hopes seemed to vapourise, as if they were nothing more than genjutsu. i must have been bewitched by the magic called teamwork, for it really, really, just didnt work out in singapore i guess. everybody soon went on their separate ways, while they're still some in the group i held tight friendships too, they're those who i find no courage to speak to. it's weird, considering how much times we've spent together and all, it certainly is. then we all needed to study, everyone, studied hard, gambateh and all, now, a levels are just ending soon. i can see the end so evidently it scares me. A levels is my identity. after these, i wonder what i will be doing, who will i be. it seemed like this haunting dream which doesnt wanna go away, coming back to mock me, for i dont have a dream. i have exactly no idea what i wanna do in university, what i wanna be, when i grow up. life seems so much easier when i dont have to choose, when i do nothing but follow. it must have sucked alot, me conforming to what others want me to do, but then again, i didnt wanna choose. Choices, on one hand, spoil us, but on the other, they are nothing but mocking, insulting trifles, used by some divinity to try and confuse our minds, making us unsure of what we want to do, where we want to go. it is like a fingerpost without any directions, we just have to choose a route which we have no idea where it will lead to. it sounds fun, isn't it? the old eileen would have said that, but i think i've sort of grown a bit, i dont wanna see myself as immature or naive, and the eileen now will think, following a route with no destination is scary. the plethora of choices confuses me. ahh eileen, what will you do, and where will you go from here? it is weird, because i'm actually thinking, human minds are just so elaborate, so intricate, so full of shit. we keep stuffs called memories, which will mean nothing right? after all, memories are simply what humans think they should hold on to, we over-value things of the past, and we labelled them as memories. but in reality, these happenings of the past are never as beautiful as they are in our memories, we over valued them, we packaged them, we made them nicer, and then we called them memories, so that someday, when we think back, like how i'm blogging now, we'll see this idealistic image in our minds. that is not it. what is important now should be the present right? after all, things of the past, are simply, nothing more than genjutsu. i guess i'm really letting them all go, i'm growing up, it is good right?


for some reason, it feels difficult to end this post, i dont seem to want to end it. i have this urge to just continue typing and typing. maybe i'm just trying to articulate this complex ball of feelings within me. maybe it is because i'm losing my identity soon, what can i cling onto now, to define what is my purpose here. it is weird, sometimes i totally loathe thinking of stuffs that make my head hurt, but there are some things that i cant just simply shrug off, and be nonchalant about. i might have screwed up my life for quite some time, i have to put it right again. time really flies, take my word for it. it is like suddenly, i am 18, when yesterday felt like the first day in kindergarten. growing up sure takes loads of skills, isn't it? you need a bunch of sweet people to guide you, a pinch of sweetness that'll make you last, some burnt toasts to deflect you from your goals, a few bittergourds to play up the virtues of happiness, and then, there, you're called a grown up. who knows, maybe inside, you're still the same lonely kid you were, and that you didnt really stop crying, you just hid from everyone, what they thought would be a sign of childish behaviour. it may sound sucky, but growing up is life. my 80 year old grandpa would have told me i've grown up a fine girl, and i'll smile in happiness and thought, ahh i grew up just fine.

encountering setbacks was like trying to pluck off thorns from a rose. it never ends. but i don't fear them, i have friends, and they're enough. but then death is a different thing. death, it doesnt simply end a relationship, it ends a life. i dont wanna encounter any of such ever again. it hurts me so much, the mention of any deaths from any friends, is enough to shut me off completely. it makes me feel like a total weirdo, a weakling. but then, it sure hurts. it does. loads. there seemed to be no words to describe the sorrow, the void. sometimes when i close my eyes, i see her, smiling, it shot like an arrow right to the heart. so i've been telling myself that you know, i gotta learn to cherish and all, so i won't end up regretting. but why, why do my outward actions, sometimes contradict what i feel and think.

this is all weird. maybe it is just in me, maybe no one will understand, but then it really looks like i gotta end this post. i must end it now, if not, i know there'll probably be no end to it. but after all these, i felt lighter. like some boulder was lifted, i know it sounds cliche.

but it'll work out someday, right?

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