I slept for 21 hours yesterday, i just kept sleeping. I was running a fever, and i couldnt even wake up to eat. I woke up only at 9plus at night to drag myself up for some pills before retreating back to bed. I dont know why i've been falling ill so often these days, mom's so worried. i am so sorry. i'll take care of myself more. And im better now. Though, yesterday, i had two nightmares, and they're both the same. it really is scary. the nightmares are exactly the same it is the exact same scene in the hospital, the exact same nurses, and the same bed. it is like i'm reliving the same scene where my grandmother died. in the same bed. i can still remember vividly, what i saw. the number of heartbeats per second, from 54 to 15, then to 12, and then to 9. those same numbers. it was really creepy, and i relived it twice yesterday. when we called out to her and she no longer moved, everyone just collapsed in to the floor and cried. i felt so lost. then it came the scene outside the hospital in the carpark, which i had escape to, just to cry. everything was so vivid, even though they're just a same dream. i woke up, and felt myself perspiring all over. i was cold. then i sat on my bed, and my brother brought me my mp3, which i listened to, and then gradually fell asleep again.


i woke up a number of times, and at rather odd times, checking my temperature, and then falling back asleep. i had so many dreams which i couldnt remember, and the only one i remembered was the same nightmare that happened twice. i cannot forget. that exact scene just kept haunting me. and it is weird, how i can dream of the same thing within one night, and how i was frightened by it twice.

i woke up feeling scared, and the entire house was so dark, i still remember, before i fell asleep, i was listening to stay close, don't go, then when i woke up, i was listening to that song. my head still hurts, i tried to do some work, to no avail.

these always make me feel so stupid you know. it is like, all the time i spent sleeping, i can use it to do work. i slept so much, and then i still feel the same drowsy feeling. and when i try to do some work, i couldnt do them. i feel like a utter fiasco. seriously.

try to understand. if you cant, maybe you can just sit by and stay with me, i'll feel better.

i almost wanted to say that i wish the things that happened this year wouldnt happen, but that really, is too naive.
this world do not allow for those who wishes for the impossible.
i've gotta start growing up, and really start to grow stronger against things that make me sad.
till then, i will try my hardest to put up bulwarks against things that make me sad, i'll give myself reality checks now and then, and try to smile along as days past.

it wont be hard if im determined.
everybody's here.

Labels: thank you to those who care.