I was super pissed on monday, and today. This is all because of damned pugilistic. About why Gavin told me there's a list when there isn't, and about why mdm tan is frequently a source of pressure to make me turn up even when i'm sick. And about how he told jianbo i didnt like the tee design, and jianbo messaging me asking me why i didnt like it when i had actually told jianbo the day before monday, that i find it quite nice. Except gavin was the one who said there's no orange, and i told him i didnt mind orange. If that even equates to disliking, or even stronger word: hating the design. Damn damn.

I slept the entire of tuesday away, my cold was terrible, and i was having bad headaches. mom told me i have to monitor my temperature well because 37.3 is kinda close to a 37.6 and i should take more rest, i know i know.

And today is the second time in my whole life, when i actually absentmindedly went to the shower with my clothes on. My hairband still on, and i thought of my grandmother, and suddenly became a mess on the bathroom floor as i wailed my heart out. Because i had remembered her then, and had remembered everything she had said to me, her last words to me being a thank you, for i had been with her even though she couldnt speak.

I still remember the first time had taken a shower with my clothes on- when joseph and i had broken up.

But this time, the pain is immensely huge, it stabs through my heart and it is impossible to recover. Someone told me that nobody can help me other than myself, and someone said that i'd actually allow myself to wallow in this sorrow and pain willingly. I want to remember my grandmother for life.

Because i love her, and because i am sure that someday, when i'm six feet under, i'll want those walking in the sunshine, to remember me too, but not in a tearful way.

I must be strong, physically and mentally.


Thank you to pugilistic for the card, i really felt touched (:

Labels: For heavens know we need never be ashamed of our tears