Hmm, i do hope this will not be another long and boring post, but it seems like it has been weeks or months or maybe years since i really spill out how i feel inside of me. You know what they say about feelings- those itsybitsy things that eat you inside out, till you're nothing but this hollow shell- this nothingness. Currently, i dont really know how i feel right now, it is like, i feel something that is not weird to me, but it may probably seem a little sudden to feel it right now, after i have been exposed to that fact for like over, dont know how many million times. This can sound really sad, melodramatic or whatever you call it, but that aside, i really really just feel this loss. The inability to move on. It could again, be due to the reminder of this painful loss i had just experienced which i had painstakingly tried to push to the back of my mind but to no avail. Or it could be due to the fact that i suddenly feel directionless, i feel lost, and i feel alone. Sorry for making you guys wallow in this knee length deep puddle of melodramatic trubble with me, but then again, i feel that if i ever try to keep these emotions within me any longer, i may actually crumble like a piece of chocolate cookie. Well, why this feeling of helplessness, and why this feeling of loneliness. These feelings are actually reminders, of a million times, which are not surprising to me, but for some godknowswhat reason, everytime i feel it, i feel a stab of pain; this feeling of lime juice rushing in my veins- this sourness. I'd probably have said this a thousand times, how i actually really wish to revert back to being the Eileen of secondary school days. It is not because i think less last time, it is not because i was a tad more silly, more foolish last time. It is probably because the old me have always always hung on to this belief that things always happen for a good cause. The old me was gullible. The old me was ... naive. Now, i am a complex human being, it is even difficult to decipher how i really feel, me myself, not being able to comprehend these obscured feelings, those subtle emotions that leave me thinking really hard, pondering and contemplating till wee hours. How is that even possible? I have always prided myself on the ability to interpret my own thoughts fairly well, being able to understand myself inside out and execute decisions, do things that had made me feel really satisfied. Yet right this instant, i do not know why i feel lost, alone and how these days seem to pass by with lesser and lesser meaning. It feels as if Armageddon is here. Like i am hopelessly trying to grasp whatever i can before everything goes away. How is it that all these seem to be so pathetic? Right now i am just typing and typing, and i dont even know if any of these make sense to you. I sort of feel that i know what i am saying here, i feel like i know, but then i cant make all these sound coherent to anyone, and you guys probably think i am insane, like i am going bonkers. And how how sad, that suddenly, nothing excites me anymore. These two days were spent on watching Vampire knight, and it felt good because i was really transfixed, i was really into it. Like i had something to look forward to. But now, it is finished, and i just dont know what to do. I hadn't any motivation to do any work, i was conned by this facade, this farce belief of living my life to the fullest while i can, and that hadn't include any studying or doing tutorials. I know it is a fake belief, yet i had refused to let go of it, i clung on to it, because the fear, the thought of my grandmother's death just does not give enough way to make me feel that schooling is not a waste of time. Days pass by monotonously, life has no excitement. There is no spark. And i really wonder, why are these what i am feeling now? Life may be a box of chocolates, and i may never really know what i can get, and i may not know still, even when the end has come, is it? Where am i going in my life, no no, where Exactly, where, do i wanna go?