Wednesday, January 21, 2009
6:07 AM
Ask me if i love him,
I have to blog. I need to blog. Today is probably the most depressing and humiliating day of my J2 life. I really need to get all these out. So you see, i had CCA today. And Gavin, being unable to open the pugi room because he had a dialogue session, and ellene having a maths make up test, and jiayen, who i really dont wanna disturb, i had to get ready for pugi myself. This means i open the door, and prepare the stuffs required. I opened the door and went in. Then i rummaged through my bag and found my pugi pants and sash, so i was putting them on when i heard this click at the door, and so i went to open in. I should have known better you know, like hide underneath the lions or inside the wardrobe, for what happened next really wanna make me kill myself with the nearest sword or spear nearby. The two alumni came in and when they saw me wearing my pugi pants, they got shocked. This is a rough outline of the hurtful things they said. Them: Why you wearing the pants here? Me: Oh, i need to get ready. Them: You better make sure any of you all dont do it again. You are not supposed to do this blah blah. ( okay, maybe i really am not supposed to just put on the pants if i am not wearing anything underneath! But hello?!?! What the flying fuck? i had on everything, from the rubber band on my head, my bra my panties, my pe shirt, my shorts, so whats the fucking problem? ) Me: *smiles* sorry, i'll let the others know. Them: Whats with the lychee drinks on the floor? And the socks? And these shoes everywhere? You think pugi room is your house is it? Throw things everywhere as you like. Last time we keep it neat all the time...!!! Me: ( i wouldnt wanna live in the pugi room even if you forgo rent and give me the lychee drinks as free gifts, dang you.) Sorry, umm i dont really know. We'll clear up soon. Them: You all better dont let us catch you like that again, later we will have a debrief again. Me: (Phew, glad it was over.) Oh okay, sorry. I was looking for my pugi shoes because i cant remember where is the place i have last seen it. So i started searching for it like mad when they camein and shouted at me Again. Them: What are you doing>? cant find your shoes? You know why! Like this how you all find?! Me: Oh.. ummm yeah. So i wore my trainers and got out of the room with a huge heavy wooden bucket of drumsticks, cymbals, and etc. I took my bag with me. Them: Put your bag inside. i dont want to see you take that to the Lt. Me: But i've got my phone inside. And Jiaolian will contact me when he comes. Them: No phones during training. And dont think we dont know, jiaolian wont call. He will find us in the Lt, thats what he did last time. Me: Umm, but he always.. Them: Put it inside. ( fine i know their trainings used to be tough, but hello? What kinda era is she living in? The era of her last time when dinos exist, or what, policemen used to wear shorts too you know. People Upgrade, for god sake.) But the stupid thing? I was gonna put my bag down when my sms tone rang, and i picked it up, and it was an sms from mdm tan telling me that jiaolian was here. I was about to reply an OK when i got scolded. Them: What time is it already and you are still here sms-ing! You simply have no respect for time and you have no punctuality at all!! Me: Sorry. I shoved my phone into my bag and saw the last of Mr Fugi smiling at me (the cute pink thing on my phone always cheers me up) Then i took ellene's shoes for her cuz i know she will come straight to the Lt. I tucked her socks neatly inside the shoes, and brought them out when i got scolded. Them: Put the shoes back in, you think you doing a good deed? She will come and get it herself. Put inside! And hurry! And you only? The rest what happened? You think pugi is a slack CCA is it! Cant she change her test date, or what? Didnt you tell her that today got pugi?! ( she is referring to ellene) So, thats the scene in the pugi room. They scolded me as though i created the members of pugi, and that i manipulated them in such a way that they didnt get to attend pugi sessions. fuck right. Fine, i didnt lose my temper. I promised to be cool headed this year. But the incidents that occurred after was intolerable. Along the way, they criticised me for not having good training and warm ups because i was a weakling due to the fact that i dropped 2 drumsticks along the way. The worse thing was when they told me to play them a set of the drum and i was in the midst of doing it when they kept commenting, saying i am wrong by doing it this way that way. But the fact is, i know the sequences of the drum by heart, i know i am right yet they insist i am wrong. But mine is the way jiaolian teach me, so why should they say that i am wrong! I felt depressed already and as they criticised me, i looked up at the clock on the Lt. I dared not lay eyes on them for i really really dont wanna argue. 1608. 1609. 1610. Then Jiaolian saved me. He came in and told them to let me take a break. I sat on the stage and stared blankly into space. I felt so despondent man, i felt sad, tired and felt so accused of so many things. Then jiaolian sat beside me. I told him, " i dont wanna do this anymore." Jiaolian was shocked because usually, in every pugi sessions, i always joke around with him, laugh and all, but today was really not it. I couldnt even prevent myself from frowning. I told him i cant make it, i will not do it, and i wanna go. He was stumped, and he didnt say anything for a few seconds but just stared at me. Then he said, " have more confidence in yourself! My job is to transform you from sucking at these things to someone who is talented!" Me: So you're doing all these for your job. Him: No, i want you to be able to do it too. I felt this tinge of encouragement yet i feel useless. I dont know why i feel useless. I know i tried but i just feel that i am not cut out for anything. Then Jieyang and Ellene came and we had to practise. I was hitting the drum, all these thoughts in my mind when my vision suddenly blurred and i thought i was so tired i was gonna faint. Then i saw a drop of water fly swiftly down and landed on the drum, and holy cow, i didnt know i was crying. What the hell right, i just cant believe it. I wiped those hot tears off my face with my sleeves and continued bashing the drum as though it is the face of Them. Probably Jiaolian saw, i dont know, but he gave everyone a five, and i ran out of theLt to wash my face. I had some sips of cold water and rested at the water cooler. Then i plucked up the remaining courage, and went back. I really wanna thank Jieyang, Ellene, Jiaolian and Miss He today, for their encouragement. They dont have to say anything, for some reason, i felt encouraged when miss he smiled at me, and when ellene squeezed my shoulder, when jiaolian and jieyang talked to me. I dont want to come to realise myself as useless too. I tried you know i did. Sigh. I really feel super duper down. Damn.