Today, something happened which caused me to doubt myself so much that i felt this despair, and this loneliness within me. I know i have friends, but why do i feel this void?Today, something happened which caused me to be on this verge of a breakdown, and yet i was held back.Today, something happened which caused me to want to fall down and hurt myself so that it'd be a trigger to turn the tap on, to start the waterworks, so that i could just cry out all the pent up emotions.Today, i felt like a complete fiasco who cannot understand myself, not at all.Today, i found out i couldnt find out anything about me at all, what im doing, why am i here.Today, is the worst day of my life, so far.Today, Miss Darrell's public speech hit me real hard." If you think this commitment is too much to handle, then i'd ask you to leave the team, because i dont know, why on earth you are here."Why am i there?Why did i join OSLE?All this being asked, i dont have an answer.After her words, mom was sitting in the lecture theatre. I walked in, really despondent. I dont know what the fuck is up with me, yet i feel so tired to even try to think about it. Mom saw me, and i said, " im going to fetch sister." She smiled, and said, " where's your mp3?"Music is the best thing for me when im feeling down.You wont be surprised to see me listening to music every now and then. It's like, music is a really reliable companion. You feel you can relate to it, you feel it is always there, you feel you can always cry along, as the music plays.I took my mp3, i brought my phone, and i walked out of the lecture theatre, still thinking of why im in the team, and the events that followed.I do love the things the team has gone through, the many activities, the sharing sessions.But yet, i do wonder sometimes, where would i be right now had i taken the path not taken that being, what would i, eileen loo, be, if i havent gone for OSLE, what would i be, where would i be, and would i have been a more carefree and less burdened person?I still have all these going round my mind, and i plugged in, and ran the entire way, from the track, all the way to the bus stop, without stopping, faber drive screaming in my ears. I felt like please just let me fall down now, so that i'd feel like some fucking helpless person who can cry because she fell. I wanted so much to, i felt that i was at the brink of tearing, yet no tears fell, but words, choked in the throat, slipped back down, right down into my guts, and pent themselves there. Emotions, pent up.Sister and mom came for the meeting, and i was smiling and laughing like a dork. A pathetic douchebag, who actually felt very down at the moment, and in the head, was still thinking of miss d's words. My head hurts like mad, i have been thinking too much. Im so tired, so drained.Sometimes, i dont know if im even real, if this world around me, is real, if im actually living this life.Because right then, right then, at that moment, i wished, wished that it wasnt real, wasnt me living the life, like it was me looking at this person's life from afar, and feeling the exact way she felt - Crushed.I dont have the need to exaggerate my feelings, i felt all that. And im still wondering if im cut out to be made for the team, if im even supposed to be there. I dont believe in anyone being indispensable, and that being so true for myself. Yet, i foolishly hung on to the fact that i can do something for everyone.Call me naive.Yes i am.Thanks to dad, sister and brother for basketball just now to let me vent and all.But i really didnt feel any better.I am so tired lah.They can take tomorrow and the plans we madeThey can take the music that will never play All the broken dreams, take everything Just take it away but they can never have yesterday..Labels: Give me half a chance.