Results today. Did i do well? Did i improve? Is this my best?If all you wanna know is how much i get for anything, and if you're better than me, Fuck off right now. yes, fuck off. Did i feel that i have done well?Yes, Initially " Did you get any As?"No." what the hell, what have you been doing all along in this JC?"- Lian huiting.Why do i care about what she'd said? Afterall, as long as im happy, it doesnt matter right?Wrong.Why had i care? Why do i care? Why am i so terribly crushed?Because huiting's a best friend.But friends will never say something like that to hurt you.Or will they?How could she? I tried my best, okay face it, im facing it. I dont have wits, and i dont have brains. I dont have anything, Im nothing. I am a fiasco. You're right. I dont know what im doing in the JC all along. What have i been doing? You're like a reminder, like the parallel after mid years, when mdm tan came to me and told me my results sucks even when i havent gotten any U's. Great, thanks.Why did i let her affect me? Because she's just a best friend. I dont know why you told me that. It hurts me alot, a great deal. a damn great deal. You all dont understand. And to think, i used to help her in secondary school with her english, and spoke to them all the time, in english just so they could pass. I feel so hurt, even right now as i typed this. My mind's in a turmoil, and even though i had on earphones, and songs were blaring through, i couldnt hear any of them. The turmoil, the chaos in my mind, it was so damn great a deal that it consumed me. You all have no idea.It's not just because she's a best friend. It affected me because i have always have a low confidence of myself. I always dont feel that im good, im always not good enough. In fact, im never good enough at all. No matter how hard i tried for my exams, others could do it with their eyes closed, and still have the same grades. Im not complaining, i think my diligence is a great value, but lets face the truth, i dont have the wits, i dont have the brains. I cant do this, i cant do that, what am i good in?Nothing.The turmoil in my mind was so great that i walked across the carpark and didnt hear the honk coming at me. Only after i crossed the road did i hear the person on the bike shouting at me. The normal me will definitely retort, or do something to fight for myself. but i just kept quiet and walked away even when the man was still shouting..Do you know, that my maths and GP are already demoralizing me? Huiting, why do you have to rub it in? Why are you making me feel, or rather, why are you making me realise that i have no forte, no strengths at all? Why are you reminding me that im good at nothing? I know i cant be on par as you, in fact, i have never did. but, why do you have to do this?You have no idea i was deeply impacted. You could still laugh. And i didnt say anything, and continued to joke as though nothing happened. You made me put on the same stinking fucking facade that i promised never to put on ever again. I didnt want you to feel bad that you had enlightened me about my weaknesses. I had to joke, and laugh and pretend. I hate it, i fucking hate it. Dont compare with me, i really hate to have people comparing with me.I fucking hate it.Fucking fucking fucking hate it.fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking detest it.And dont any of you say that i have nothing to worry about because i dont have to retain.Come on, i have my expectations, i have hopes, because i had studied.So stop comparing.If you're raised up in the kind of environment where all you do is be hypocritical, and show me concern just to ask me my grades to compare with me, and gloat over my stupidity, then fuck off.I do not have to comparw with you. I do not need you to gauge how good or bad i am.Please dont be another hui ting, because words hurt as much as any goddamn guns.I didnt tell anyone any of these in school. I kept quiet, and joked laughed blah blah. All these is tiring me out. You know, i learnt something new today.People are realistic, and self centred. They are insensitive. They may get good grades and start gloating, thus neglecting that around them, some people are simply too traumatized, too sad. Open your eyes, the world does not revolve only around you.I have lost all my energy, and my mind's floating in abyss.I have no speech, for emotions have completely rid me of it.Dont ask me for my grades, for if i want to tell you, i already have.fuck all these shit. fuck fuck fuck. Just a few days ago, i told mom i wont be bothered by my results no matter what.Why am i hit with this realization.Rhetoric for i couldnt answer that. Great monologue im conducting here, although it doesnt seem to ease me of any sadness. wont cry, but its a wonder how easily tears slip, even without you realising.Yemin, your expectation was to just promote. Do you even know of my expectations?Everybody's words hurt alot. Whatever you guys said today are deeply etched in my mind, although im grateful to LeeChia and Sher for the mental support, and those minutes of silence for me to shrink behind the facade and let myself bleed a little. Thanks to gavin also, for when those words hit me, you were there to give me support. Im great you're my cousin in this whole big school, where i dont, and never will, belong.Labels: you dont know me.