Team Spartans. Thats our OSLE team name. I dont have no qualms about it. Im cool.However, i cant help but gets this bugging feeling of Spartans being a really comical name, like the image portrayed when i watched the stupid epic - meet the spartans. Im listening to It ends tonight- All american rejects. Im feeling unwell now.There was this OSLE meeting today, and i was supposed to take the 905 a.m bus. However, i woke up at 850, and shit, i was so scared i'd be terribly late that i contemplated not going. However, eventually, i dragged my lehtargic body out of my real cosy bed, and brushed my teeth reluctantly. We discussed many things and it was a really fruitful trip there especially when i stay so far from school. I didnt join them for lunch, i was too tired.I am currently reading babble queen by meg cabot - one of my favourite authors, since she wrote that nice book - the boy next door. I even read the book on the bus, it was a good thing i didnt miss my stop.I was asleep for the entire day till 8 plus. Felt damn groggy. For some reason, im listening to this sad song - suppose. Zzzz.On a totally different note, i reflected on my own behavior in the meeting. I feel totally dishonest. I didnt say what i wanted to say, i didnt do anything. Worse of all, i allowed the seniors to continue with their assumptions that everything's okay. I assured weimin that Pugilistic will never close down, but really, who am i to say? i feel like shit now. Ellene and i talked alot over the doing of the noticeboard yesterday. I confided in her, told her how useless i feel when im in this CCA. Sure i can run quite okay-ly, not exactly that good, i can stretch okay-ly as well, but i really do not have the strength and all, i mean, in short, i am weak. To weak that i cant even do th simplest thing, even lifting the lion. SIGHS.And i also think that, with ellene, you know, we were thinking, your heart is already not there, you are thinking of joining other CCA ( not us, someone else) , then whats the point of you staying, and pretending that you're so interested in the CCA infront of the seniors, whle with us, you tell us of you wanting to join other CCAs?And then i asked ellene, " why did you join pugi in the first place?"She told me it was because i saw the drum and i put my name down, so she put hers too, together with Gavin.Im so sorry, i just feel that i've dragged us all down together in something that i only saw and felt the interest in that small thing. Maybe you all just wanna accompany me, and now, how far have we gone?And Eileen joined the CCA because she was so captivated by the drum. When she doesnt even know how to play it. Sure, you people say i can always learn it. But you know, i am a really slow learner. I cant do so many things.I want to scream out every single thing, confessions of an idiot. An idiot who hasnt even know what she has done, why is she doing what she is doing, and how she actually got herself into all these.No, i dont feel sad that im here. in the CCA. I do enjoy going to CCAs because of encouragement from dear seniors. However, i just feel inadequate. Useless. Weak.Stop and stare,you start to wonder why you're here not there.i think im moving but i go nowhere,yeah i know that everyone gets scared..Labels: Beloved CCA, dearest pugi