Sunday, June 8, 2008
10:58 PM
It's a monday again \
No, i dont have anything against mondays - its just, mondays often signify the beginning of something - a new beginning. of a week - of probably mugging for me. seriously, mugging sucks nowadays, i dont mean they usually rocks my socks or what, it just, i really hate this monotonous lifestyle of waking up each day to mug - serious, i think im losing my mind.
And i really apologise for the really vulgar post, probably it may not seem vulgar to some people but, i dont like it. i mean, i dont wanna be reading this blog 30 years down the road and read all these dirty F words - i'll tear my hair out.
Yesterday morning, i woke up with a huge surprise- i was coughing so violently that there was blood on my hands, i was like damn shocked because i dont know why there's red liquid on my hands - and i was still in the dazed mode -i just woke - nono, i wasnt even awake, i was still half awake, okays whatever. Nevermind, the details are kinda gross and i cant really remember what exactly happened next, sorry, my memory seems to be failing me nowadays,
probably, its due to the fact that my brain cells are dying every single minute due to continuous days of boring mugging, perhaps, also coupled with the fact that i've been having fevers! Im so scared man.
and i dont know why, but nowadays, death seems to occupy my mind, and i get scared. Really scared.
Im scared of dying, but im more afraid of my loved ones dying than me dying. I dont know, i dont wanna lose anybody in my life right now, not that my life is really fantastic or what, its just, i really wanna cherish every single thing , my family, my friends, my ..boyfriend.
It's difficult not to think about death when i see old people, all around me, coughing, and i think of life - its just a really fragile thing.
I went to my grandmother's house yesterday, and when i see her, my heart sank. She's bald, because she took so much medication for her back, for her legs, for her heart and all, she lost all her hair. and she's so frail, when she walks, im so scared that she'll accidentally knock into something and you know .. fall apart.
It's just so scary. and its not that i dont wanna spend any time with her, its just, there's this, language gap, between us. I dont know hainanese. and thats the only language she knows, albeit my mom's a hainanese, i dont learn. im more to the hokkien side. I try to talk to her and all, but often, i fail miserably - because i live so far away, she lives in Ang Mo kio , that i dont spend too much time with her. and i feel lousy, im so scared man, that i wont have the chance to spend more time with her and all. touchwood.
Which is why, yesterday, over at her house, i listened to really sad songs and thought about everything in my life, which i have failed to cherish, and which, or who, i can cherish, and spend more time with. And i got really emotional, i didnt give hoot to those bitched there, those peeps, who, uhhh, nevermind. my siblings and i dont get along well with them, which brings us to another reason why we dont like going to our grandma's house.
Over there, we are the outcasts. they all interact in hainanese and they often use sarcasm on us, as though they are very perfect, ha, right, dont forget those blubber, girls.
My sister had got her boyfriend there with her, and he stayed with her, all the way till 2 plus, when we went home. 'Twas so sweet. I so wished you're there with me too. Thanks for calling to talk to me and all, apreciated (: Even though he had nothing to do, he still stayed on, and he also talked to me, gave me those pal talks thingy, because i was telling him how much i hated JC life of mugging.
Life is so short, and yet i spend my time worrying about how much i've mugged, and if i can even pass this, or pass that. I feel so, sighhhhhhs.
I dont know man. everything's so uncertain.
and now, what? yeahs, gonna mug for biology i guess. BIOLOGY- YOU SHIT. okays, i finished biomolecules, and im now on enzymes, there're still soooo muchhhhhhhhh.
bye people. really gotta meet up with the msters soon, i need their jokes to keep me sane,
wait hang on, am i sure? their jokes, uhh, they are insane. okays, nevermind. MSTERS I MISS YOU PEOPLE!