I love myself! I love my curly wirly hair, i love my stupid smiles, and i love just being me!No, im not feeling any sense of euphoria over anything right now, in fact, im far from happy. I just feel that, my curly hair now, seems to give me a very comical and bubbly appearance that i like. And i think i laugh alot nowadays. Even though, there are moments i feel this wave of sadness coming over me because of a particular reason, i try to shrug it off. I CANNOT THINK ABOUT IT.And i realised one thing, im very true to my blog, and when i type, i dont simply pause and think about what i wanna type, everything that i think in my mind, suddenly, just seem to roll down from my unparted lips and fit themselves into a blogpost. Many people tell me , that im very truthful about my feelings in my blog, i feel so too, but sometimes, there are sad parts that i just dont wanna blog about, that does not make me a hypocritical person, its just, i dont want all of my blogposts to be filled with sorrow, someday when i read through all these, i dont want to know of myself as having a very sad past, i dont know, thats just what i think.I feel very sad today, of course. Tremendously. And its not because of how difficult the Biology paper is. Although i completed it 5 minutes before the end of the paper, and i had time to check, i still think i made alot of careless mistakes. But its over, no use mulling over it.And yeahs, back to why i am sad?He sat beside me today.See, im being very frank, seriously, i dont know why. It wasnt that bad a feeling i felt yesterday, because, yesterday wasnt that bad, as in, yesterday, he was one seat diagonal of me, and i, well, i dont know.. today, its like really worse. But i told myself, i have to concentrate on biology! So, i forced myself to think and think, and yeahs, i did the paper, finished everything. And when Mr neo said to check if we have our collarpins, i was quite shocked that i was actually still wearing the one with words written behind it. I didnt turn around to look in his direction, somehow, i didnt have the guts, i was so afraid that i'll meet his eyes if i ever do look. But i heard hm cough, wonder if he's okay?I feel like a great big loser.Piano 1 says im a very strong girl, you know, im beginning to think that im not, not at all. Im just someone who tries to be cheerful in school, make jokes and laugh, pushing away all those sad thoughts out of my mind, and, i wonder, just how long, will this continue to go on? I laugh, genuinely at jokes my friends make, but when the jokes stop, and im bad to the normal -not laughing-maniac-person, i become really emotional. And i just keep quiet.SIGHS. Dont be stupid, eileen.And i feel really bad, i realise, that im trying to distance myself from the guy who likes me. Seriously, i dont wanna give anyone false hopes. I dont wanna drag both of us down into any undeserving hurt, maybe, lets just be hi -bye friends when we see each other in school?hmms.I SHALL STOP THINKING, I MUST CONCENTRATE ON CHEMISTRY. I MUST JIAYOU, DO NOT THINK, DO NOT THINK...It's actually the missing of something , or someone, that you know , will never comes back, that tears you apart.And i still listen to tian tian de, that song seems to put a smile on my lips, the sweet song, emphasized again, by its name. Sighs. stop stop stop stop stop thinking.
He got a nice hair cut. .
Im going insane.