Where should i start? Its been days since i blogged, and no, i didnt go for any holiday.I just dont know what to blog, so i didnt. I have been thinking about so many things over this couple of days. Tried to sort out my thoughts over sleepless nights. Tried to be happy and upbeat about everything when everything just seems to be crumbling all on the floor. Reality crushed my dreams and hopes of having anything miraculous to happen, and i felt so sad. And guilty.And miserable. And fucked up. So, where should i start? the phone call just now? The presents? Yes, i should start from Valentine's day.
I had so many things from you at Valentine's day, roses, chocolates and a huge teddy- the presents all girls will go yaya over. But, i felt even more guilty. I just cant take all that. You wanted to pass it to me at my workplace, but in the end, somehow i persuaded you to drop it at my house. I felt so guilty, all the guilt pouring over me like raindrops from the clouds. All through work, i struggled to think properly, of what i had to do, things that i have to do and things that i shouldn't do.But i just couldn't think properly. Persuaded Nisha to buy me a bottle of Barcardi Breezers, I think there're some alcoholic level in it.Wanted tiger beer, but i figured that there're still Carlsberg at home so i decided against it. drank it at home, in gulps. and i realised, its bullshit. It doesn't even taste like beer. Pffft. Helped mom with certain stuffs like the praying thingy, because we had to pray at night, and i felt so drowsy and slept. The sleep was the best one i had in days, because i fell asleep so quickly. Maybe its the beer, or maybe i really were just too exhausted from thinking and thinking and thinking. And i woke up at 9 plus, ate a little and helped mom prepare the stuffs for the praying. Sat down, stood up, watered the roses, sat down,stood up, put the chocolates in the refrigerator, sat down, stood up, and took the bear, sat down again, hugged the bear, closed my eyes and thought of what to do again/ and again/ and again.
Prayed. And it ended at 3plus am in the morning. The rest of the family went home,and most of my siblings and parents went to sleep. Except my sister and i. tired as she was, she talked to me and gave me advice. She told me, he's a nice guy, the best one you ever have. i shouldnt hurt him, i should think properly, and do the things that i feel is ther best for the both of us. I should analyze what we are, and how we feel and all those. And i did, i spent the entire night thinking about it and i slept at around 9am in the morning. woke up at 10 am to prepare and meet wei ling and hui ting at wei ling's house. I had to go visiting at her house because i do so every year as im quite close to her mother. It took my mind off things for awhile.
After that, we went to hui ting's house, then to AMK hub for god knows what reason, and then to my house. After that, they went home- and im back to thinking again/ I think i think too much. I went to bathe, i took a long time, because i usually think alot when im bathing. And i sorted out what i had to do.
So, now, lets begin with the part on the phone call. The truth: i cant do it. And i didnt. I just couldn't/ Its cruel, and not just that, i just simply cant. Dont ask me why. I cant break it to him. stammered my way through and i still didnt say anything/ So, what happened? I talked to him over MSN. You must be wondering what i had been thinking that led me to the decision of us breaking. The simple truth: i cant forget the man of the past. Everything Tian seng do, it just reminds me of what joseph will do in his place. At least, when i had been single, i didnt think that much. Now, i seem to be just comparing him and him. It's so stressful. and i really cant handle this.
Now, we're just friends. Is this what i want? I dont know. Im miserable like one emotionally wrecked and fucked up weepy person who hadn't slept for days. A relationship in which i cant be honest to is not healthy. I cant say im happy when im obviously not, and i cant say i have forgotten the past when i haven't.
Im sad, real sad.
Im the biggest jerk in the entire world
The most cowardly one too.
And please, dont be so nice to me, i really cant take it. All i wanna do now is to hide myself under the blanket for days and not come out.
Dont think i'll be blogging for days.
I'll put up pictures of wei ling and hui ting soon ( camera shy) but not now.