I am going to be very frank in this post. im not going to put on a facade or anything. Having just watched one of those teary show with my mother about this guy who's gotten cancer even though he used to be so robust and everything, and him dying, it just makes me feel very sad.
or maybe, the correct word to use will be Scared.
How do people get cancer? Nobody knows. they just get it. So, does it all rounds down to luck or something? Seeing someone who used to be so healthy, suddenly being killed by malignant tumors in their brain or anywhere else really freaks me out. It's as though they just died without really knowing it.
It's like, life is so unpredictable huhs? A minute ago, you'll be so happy chit-chatting with your friends and the next minute, you'll be lying in a coffin. Even though, sometimes, i try to console myself saying that ," all things happen for a certain reason, and will definitely have its good or bad side," but.. what is the good side of someone being killed by cancer? It really just doesn't make sense.
When i was young, about primary three or four, i used to wake up in the middle of the night, crying. I still remember those days, when i would wake up suddenly, and start crying because i was afraid that my parents would suddenly just leave all of us behind and..sorta like moved on to another..i dont know. And i'd sit on my bed for hours, clutching my tears-sodden pillow till dawn.
The crying stopped only when i was i think, in primary six or secondary one. I think it could be due to the increasing exhaustion i felt when the PSLE was approaching or when in secondary one - you know, new subjects and stuffs. So, probably i wasn't able to wake up and cry or what.
Which is good, i guess.
Life is so fragile or something. People just die so easily. You never know when your days are numbered. You just keep living on until its your turn to die? So, what's our purpose for being here? Would you prefer to die, or would you prefer to watch your loved ones die?
I'll definitely take the former. I'll never want to watch anyone i love, die right before my eyes. i dont even think i can take it. I remember what Rasina's wish on the new year's ball is. She wants to die before her parents so she will never see them die. At first, i thought it is silly. Because your parents'll definitely feel so sad to see their kid dies. But, we'll feel sad too, right? It'll be a mutual feeling. And i rather not be the one to feel the pain of losing someone i love.
To see the people i love having their lives drain out of them by the minutes.
Yes, im scared. I dont think anyone will ever be prepared for anything like that. having their loved ones die. People used to say things like " Cherish whatever you have now if not it'll be too late." Fools think its cliche. I used to think that the saying is sorta foolish, since everyone cherish what they have. But, what's the meaning of cherish? It's not to take anyone you have for granted. To respect them, and care for them like how they've done to you. To be there for them like how they're there for you too.
How long will all these last? Its like im living on a bomb activated life. Anytime the time stops, i'll be gone. Poof! just like that. Same for the others too. The dead wont feel the pain of losing their lives. The living are the only people who'll feel grieved. and the pain.
Im terrified. I dont know how to continue typing on. Lumps of things i wanna type down are all clustered together in my head. I just dont know how to continue typing this on. What a fragile life, i guess.
I think i'll stop here. Im really getting more depressed and terrified by the minutes.
So, here's something i wanna say to Berlisa.
" im sorry i have to type this down, really. It's been like stuck in my chest for soo soo long. You said you have thoughts of wanting to let a car bang you and then depart from the world. Im sorry to tell you that my honest opinion to what you've said will be that, i think its really stupid. You are not physically or mentally impaired. You are a full bodied girl, i really dont see why anyone who leads the life like you do, wants to die. Because, nobody wants to die. hose who say they do, they'll regret it, really. Because ultimately, when you're really at the brink of death, then will you realise how much you're not willing to leave this world behind. this world and all those surrounding you. the love you receive from the others, i think, is the most important reason, or purpose that keeps all of us going on. sorry, i got that all out. thanks"
Sorry for the depressing post. you dont have to read this post full of ramblings actually. i just had to get that out. And like what my mother says, just follow the saying.." live as though there's no tomorrow...."