this post is really frank. it goes on about what i feel. so here goes. firstly, it has been like around 6 months since i was dumped. and sometimes i feel that hey, i got over it. but sometimes, when i felt alone and all that and had plenty of time to think, i'll go rocketing back to the hidden room locked in the back of my mind. those memories and then i'll feel real lousy, and everything seems to fall apart right infront of me. like when my dad and mom lectured me last time about the untidiness of the room and how i should set an example, i barely listened. instead my mind wandered to those days again and i felt like a total shit. So, have i gotten over it? have i? this i am not sure, its the question i've been asking myself over a million times i feel like i have because i do feel all cheery and bubbly when i wake up someday and think of the lovely day ahead. but you dont exactly get over being dumped by your ex boyfriend when all you do is think of how he's spending his day, and if he's playing too much computer games. i know i know. this shouldnt even have bothered me because we're not even closely related now. i shouldnt even be worrying about stuffs like that. but how much longer do i have to convince myself that i really have to get my ass and doofus mind out of this phase once and for all? everybody says " move on move on" but how the fuck do i go about doing that? nobody tells me how. i just wander around and eventually get myself back to the same old spot again and again. sometimes i push those bloody visions and memories out of my mind and distract myself with my friends' company. sometimes, it works and momentarily my life feels much lighter. but at times, i really cant. cuz i cant even tell them what i feel. i remember i even cried in class one time, when rasina said to me " you can tell me you know. its not as though i wont understand." i held back them back but those disloyal tears rolled down my cheeks and seeped into my lips - salty as ever. And i dont think i wanna get into a relationship now. i just dont like the idea of having someone so close to you and then suddenly, out of the blue, you're completely cut off from him because We Broke Up. its scary, i cant imagine myself going through all those again. to put it simple, its hurtful. we were like together for almost a year, and its kinda difficult to suddenly become single. live single. when single, i cant seem to find who i really am. like, if i need to really have that someone? or do i feel better being single? im caught in the middle, only that the path that i can take is being single. And its difficult to find a boyfriend, who all he cares about is how he looks in public, whats the newest pair of shoes, newest handphone or what. im not really into those chaps. and because im just not those sort of girl. im not the sort of girl who wears all pretty and is dolled up everytime she goes out. nopes, i go out in my trail slippers instead of high heels, i dont wear really pretty like tights and the latest fashion. i go out in the next available pair of denim shorts or what and tee shirt or a tank if too warm. this is also cuz my mom says im not any superstar or what. i dont need to change into so many pairs of clothings everytime i go out. and i dont change my earrings to match my outfit. zilch. i dont give a damn to what earrings i wear. and i dont put on any make up. not even when i went for prom last time. im just not into these stuffs. sigh. maybe im not normal as in normalnormal like other girls. i need self actualization. to find out who i want to be. or who i am now. and what i want. where i want to begin my third leg of education. sometimes, i dont feel like any of this is real. because nobody seems to feel the way i feel. sigh i wish i can find the words to convince myself that i'll really make it. to whatever i want for myself. the cliche saying'd be listen to your heart and let it takes you to wherever is best. but sometimes, following your heart just isn't enough? sorry about this angsty post. maybe i really am too emotional? but its highly impossible? im not even having the time of the month so... *arrggg*