Monday, November 19, 2007
4:48 PM
his ; mine and ours?
hello, yesterday was prom night. it was alright, i didnt look very amazing but still i think i looked okay. anyway,it was awfully depressing and upsetting. from the beginning,i was already feeling sad. and its not just because celine dion's "my heart will go on" is playing in the background. i miss him alot alot. i see everyone with their partners and i feel so sad. and then i looked at him and saw him happily there with his friends. i mean im not angry because he is happy. im just depressed yeah? i took two photos with him, and we were standing so far apart, it was as though we were forced to take the photos. why? i miss him terribly. during the time when everyone went to get their food, i sat there with rasina, suitcases of memories all coming back to me at once. i wanted so much badly to cry. just hide in a corner and wallow in my own misery. but i didnt. it would be stupid to because if i really did, he'd just look at me incredulously like im some retard. oh my god. why has my life turned out to be like this? this is not some teenage angst yeah? i just wanted to get all these out of my chest. do you know that i slept at close to 2 a.m last night? and i woke up at 7a.m today, because i dreamt of him and i cant sleep. once i close my eyes, many images of us keep coming back at me. it was such an unsettling feeling. thus i thought of going for a run. but,my leg hurts from walking in high heels yesterday so i gave up on the idea. dont you think im so pathetic? i always thought, if i could turn back time, will i still go steady with him? will i even want to become an NE ambassador? its also because of NE that we got so close. but i guess even if time could be reversed, i;d no doubt still take the same path. because those things that we had shared and gone through, they were like nothing compared to having only me just having the experience. so i'd take the same path just to experience those things again.
i always had the fantasy, that one day we'd be together again. but then as i already said, it is a fantasy, a wishful thinking on my part. i guess the feeling is no longer mutual. and since we will never ever be together again, i wish that he'd be happy forever. because nothing matters much more than his smiles. i'd pray for him, and for me too.
so,now that prom is done, whats gonna happen to me? like i said, i've thought about this many a times, and i couldnt come up with an answer. should i take up a job? i dont feel like adapting to a new environment again. should i go for the first 3 months thingy? i dont know. i always said no, because im scared that i might not make it for the real thing. so,what am i gonna do? i cant simply waste this holiday away slacking at home. i dont know. many things are swirling around my mind.
i just want to cry. everything is ending for me. my world is collapsing. most of the times i get awfully lonely and solemn. but all i want to do is to revert back to my old self you know? like i always laugh and stuffs now it seem to be so difficult. many people keep telling me to look forward, but yeah,im doing that. its just that i've got nothing to look forward to. guess i'll blog later. im so tired.